Building Better Boundaries:How Effective Boundaries Can Help Protect Your Time, Energy, Goals & MORE

by Ellen Ettinger, Founder & Director, Motherhood Association

Setting boundaries is a communication tool that can help express who you are, and where you want to go. It helps you express what you do and do not feel comfortable doing. Many people feel hesitant to share boundaries with others because they are afraid and hesitant that they will be seen as rude, mean, unfriendly, unpleasant, uncaring, or confrontational. But, sharing boundaries does not need to result in conflict, and effective boundaries can actually improve interactions with other people and reduce stress.

If you are feeling stress in your life, or you are feeling “out of control” in your life and would like to feel more “in control” of your life, there is a good chance that setting more effective boundaries can be helpful.

When you are asked to do something, and you say “YES” when you would really want to say “NO” then you are saying “NO” to yourself. Either “NO” to your time, your attention, your focus, your energy, or values, or more. When this happens there are conditions under which you would rather do one thing that aligns with your needs, but you end up agreeing to someone else’s needs, or priorities, or timeframe.

When you are asked to do something you do not want to do, and you say “NO” then you are saying “YES” to your own time, attention, focus, energy, values, or other criteria. You are protecting your own interests.

So creating better boundaries is a self-care tool. It is allowing you to protect what is yours, without giving “yourself” away in time, energy, attention or more to other. Over time, doing so can create stress and tension. It can also create resentment on your part when you are asked for things from others that make you uncomfortable. So ineffective boundaries can result in fatigue, resentment, overwork and overwhelm, and even burn-out. When people reach burn-out, it is often because they did not create barriers and boundaries in enough time to protect their resources.

A common example when my clients tell me they wish they had better boundaries is when they get interrupted and distracted by multiple phone calls from friends and family during the work day. If you get two, three, or four phone calls in a day, and each time you are distracted from your activity, it can decrease productivity and attention, and increase stress. What if, instead of sitting on the phone with someone when you are feeling stressed and distracted at work you mention a “break time” that you have in work when you can call them back, or tell them you can call them back at home in the evening after work. You are respectful and clear, and you offer a solution. You are not hanging up the phone angry and inconsiderate. You clearly express the problem and that you can return the call later. By doing this, you are not creating a barrier, you are offering a solution to a barrier or problem that existed.

So expressing a clear boundary can create a doorway which results in improved interactions with people, increased productivity at work, and decreased stress. It can help you create the bridge to comfortable access and availability to you under conditions in which you are empowered, and not “out of control” meeting other people’s agenda or timeline.

What if your friend calls and asks you to contribute $100 for a combined gift to a friend from both of you, but you feel that is too much money. Do you regrettably say “YES” so you do not have to deal with a discussion about this? What if you said, “$100 is too much for me now, what if we each contribute $25 or $30, and we can buy “X” instead?” By suggesting what you are comfortable with (e.g., $25 or $30) and mentioning a solution of item “X” as an option, you are coming up with a solution. It may be an acceptable option in the beginning right away, and if not, there is every reason to adhere to what you find comfortable, rather than living in someone else’s comfort zone.

Once you create your boundary, you need to determine how you will deliver it. We tend to communicate with people in person, virtually (e.g., Zoom), by phone, and via e-mail. “In person” is the best way to communicate a boundary because you are right there with non-verbal communication visible, and to follow up; virtually and by phone usually work fine, too. The worst option is e-mall or in wiring because words can be taken out of context, and misinterpreted. You are not present and involved in conversation to provide any misinterpretation.

Creating the right message, and the correction form of communication, can help you deliver boundaries that help explain who are, and protect your needs and priorities.

Again, if you are feeling stressed, or “out of control” in your life, and you would like to restore a greater sense of feeling in control of your life and activities, building better boundaries can be very helpful.

If you enjoyed reading about this topic, continue to check out additional information and blogs on our website. To find out about how to work with me one-to-one directly to personalize, strengthen and fast-track your results for you and your family (or have to speak at an event, organization or business meeting) schedule a free phone call with me (or e-mail here if you prefer).

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