Why A Children’s Doctor Tells Parents that “Scaffolding” Can Help Raise Children to be Resilient

by Ellen Ettinger, Founder & Director, Motherhood Association

Scaffolding is used to “build” a building, but can the concept of scaffolding help parents learn to support and raise our children? In a new book, “The Scaffold Effect: Raising Resilient, Self-Reliant, and Secure Kids in an Age of Anxiety” by child psychiatrist Dr. Harold Koplewicz, we are introduced to a new concept and parenting philosophy, that raising a child is like building a building, with scaffolding as the foundation. Parents should be there to provide structure, support and encouragement. Provide framework and support, and allow the children to grow.

Scaffolding can be important for children of all ages. Some examples of providing support and encouragement include:

• Encouraging your young child to learn to walk – being there if they fall, and encouraging them to try again. You are there to provide support, but you don’t hold them so tightly that they don’t learn and grow on their own.

• Encouraging your school-age child to read or learn math – providing books and experiences in which they can work and practice, and encouraging them when they have problems, but not taking over and doing it for them.

• Encouraging a child to learn to play a musical instrument – giving them the access to the musical instrument and learning opportunities and experiences, and encouraging their success and supporting their learning.

• Encouraging a teen-ager to expand independence while providing structure so your child still feels supported with advice and guidance, as needed. As they go out in the world, encourage teen-agers to make their own decisions, and not be influenced by peer pressure. Let them know that they can always come to you to discuss problems and concerns.

“Scaffolding” is Support

It is important to have clarity on what it means to provide support. As parents, we are protective, and want to shield and protect our children from disappointment and failure. So there is often a temptation to “do” for our children, rather than to support, and to be there, while they “do” their work. But you don’t want to do the homework for your children, you want them to learn. You want to support and encourage them. There is often a question of how much should we do, how do we know when to let go, how do we learn to encourage children to be self-reliant and solve problems on their own. What is the proper balance? Remember that in this instance, “scaffolding” reminds us that less is more. With scaffolding, we provide a framework and supportive environment, but we let our children do the building. We provide “just enough” support but we don’t want to overtake or smother the learning experiences and opportunities.

As described above, structure and support should not be stifling, or the learning experience is taken away from the child. Parents often fear mistakes and failure for their children, but courageous chances and actions can help children move out of their comfort zone, and grow. Providing structure for learning experiences is helpful. Opportunities to learn and practice sports, musical instruments, and arts can be very supportive opportunities for growth.

The “scaffolding” effect also tells parents that we don’t determine if the “house” is going to turn out to be a skyscraper, a ranch, or a split level. The child develops the blueprint and builds; parents are just there to provide a strong foundation and support. So, we don’t tell our children we want them to grow up to be a lawyer, or play classical piano, or be a dancer, or a professional athlete, or to build out our dreams. The child builds their house. We support children for their goals, and we encourage them to build the skills to become their best self.

Dr. Koplewicz reminds us that sometimes you have to repair the scaffolding and provide renovation and restoration. Sometimes you decide your support needs to change, or your child is moving in a different direction, and your guidance should be modified. Life doesn’t always go as planned, and children should know we are there for them if there is a bend in the road. Continue to offer support and encouragement, and reassess over time what your child needs from you.

Scaffolding and Self-Care for Parents, Too

Especially when there are more stressors around, like during the COVID pandemic, parents need to do more “scaffolding” for their children, but I like to remind mothers that they also need to make sure that they scaffold (and support) themselves, too. Self-care for parents is essential, or they won’t have the energy, focus, and momentum to be there to provide strength and support for their family. An additional benefit to self-care is that as you take care of yourself with mindfulness, meditation, exercise, healthy food, and more, you serve as a role model to your child that taking care of oneself is important. As they see you taking care of yourself, they learn it is important to care for, and respect, their bodies.

The “scaffolding” can help parents foster resilience, learning, and growth in children. Remember, less is more! The goal of “just enough” is where we want to be – so we can watch our children thrive and move forward.

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