Building Strong Mother-Child Relationships

by Ellen Ettinger, Founder & Director, Motherhood Association

Effective, caring and strong mother-child relationships are important for both mothers and children, and for children of all ages. This is a topic that is frequently discussed in the bonding stages in the early months and years of childhood. A baby can learn to trust, and feel secure, early in life as that mother-child bond is created. But toddlers, school-age, ‘tweens and teens also benefit from strong parent-child relationships, and can lose out when the parent-child interactions are not solid.

What are some components of strong mother-child relationships? Trust, respect, attention, support and love are five important ingredients in building, and also in maintaining, positive relationships, the five components are related, and not totally independent factors, but they are all essential.

Remember the Five Components in Relationships

Trust is often realized with infants by assuring them that their basic needs are met, including food, safety, and comfort. By providing our children with shelter, appropriate clothing and a caring environment we build trust. In older children, trust is also sustained by keeping our word when we tell children we will do something we have discussed with them. But plans can change, especially in current times, and when they do, addressing the situation is monumental in maintaining trust. For example, if we plan an event together with a child, and something significantly important comes up for the parent that truly interferes with the plan, it is important not to just cancel without addressing the issue. An honest explanation and a new plan can go a long way in keeping trust. Trust tells a child, “You can depend on me.” You convey – through your actions and words - the message that you are dependable, reliable – and trustworthy.

Respect is most directly created and maintained by how we treat a child, and is communicated by showing dedication and interest. Respect tells a child, “You are important to me.” When children feel valued and important, they learn to build confidence in themselves. For example, a child who tries to ride a bicycle, or to swim, and can’t quite succeed will feel respected when a parent indicates what a good try the child demonstrated, and to keep going. If a parent laughs, the child will not feel respected, and would, instead, feel ridiculed This not only affects the parent-child interaction, but the child’s self-image and self-esteem. So, respect that a parent shows for a child is important towards showing esteem for the child. This does not mean you can never give negative feedback; it is just a reminder that it must be done with respect.

Attention is important because children crave attention and focus from their parents and caregivers. We have all heard of the “ego” stage – the stage that says, “It’s all about me!” It is natural for children to want, and need, attention. It is not selfish, or a bad reflection of a child’s nature, especially at young ages. Attention means direct focus on the child, with comfortable eye contact, and without interruptions and distractions. Spending time with a child, but looking away frequently to check emails and social media, interferes with focus. This says, “I’m “sort of’ here, but I’m really too busy for you.” When a parent habitually appears “too busy” to be together, children can become resentful, upset, and confused. Children want time that is authentically for them, and children who don’t have enough “me” attention sometimes reach out for behavioral techniques like temper tantrums or “acting out” to be noticed. While temper tantrums are often a normal occurrence in development, when they are extended and extreme it is sometimes an indication that a child wants more focus.

Support means communicating to a child, “When you need something, I am here for you.” It is reassuring to a child that a parent is supportive. For young children, feeling supported in their needs can help them get through the growth stages and milestones with greater composure and self-assuredness. For older children, communicating that you are a supportive parent tells a child, “If you are having a problem, you can come and discuss it with me, whatever it is.” This is particularly important for ‘tweens and teens who often have social and adolescent issues (e.g., bullying, questions about sex) and who need to feel comfortable in order to come to their parents for support and help.

Love is the hardest to describe, and it hopefully comes naturally, but sometimes we feel it and get too busy to express it, especially when children get older. So, you can never say, “I love you” too often, or show it too frequently. For younger children who are not verbal yet, the way we hold a child, and the way we speak to children communicates love, even before they are verbal. A child is never too young to hear the words, “I love you!”

Relationships and Role Modeling

One of the most important things about taking the steps to demonstrate these components to your child is that it makes you a role model who emulates and shows these qualities. And by role modeling and showing these components, you are likely teaching your child how to express their own feelings back to you, thereby demonstrating love and respect back to you. So, taking time to reflect on building your mother-child relationship works for both the mother and the child!

If you enjoyed reading about this topic, continue to check out additional information and blogs on our website. To find out about how to work with me one-on-one directly to personalize, strengthen and fast-track your results for you and your family (or to have me speak at an event, organization or business meeting) schedule a free phone consult with me, or e-mail here if you prefer.

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